Deep deep thoughts and Jesus Calling

I wrote this weeks ago as I was getting ready to dive into a new Bible study.  I wrote it for me and didn't have any intentions to publish it here.  Unfortunately for my "don't share too much" self, over the last few weeks I kept feeling like I was supposed to share it.  I didn't want to and I continually refused..  Today I read these words by Sarah Young from Jesus Calling and felt like they were screaming to me from the page:

 

Man, it kind of made me mad to read that.  I don't want to hit the "publish" button and don't know why He's asking me to.  But here goes...deep thoughts. (edited a bit to make more sense on the blog) 


It's been on my heart lately that despite my best intentions and all the good Bible study girl things I am doing or have done, I still struggle with steadfastly keeping my focus on God and his plan.  For as long as I've been a mom, I've struggled with the idea of being a Proverbs 31 woman.  I can't quite figure out what it means to be her.  I want to do all the right Godly mom things and Godly wife things but If I'm going to be totally honest, I'd have to say that on most days, I'm full steam ahead, frazzled and stressed, trying to make it through the day and just "checking in" with God along the way.   I find it hard to STOP and really listen to see what He would like me to do with my day, my week, my life.  It's hard to admit that...especially on my blog for all who read it to see.  There are many days when I feel like I'm TOO BUSY being a mom, a wife and a business owner to really TRULY focus on, follow and listen to God.  Sometimes I find myself completely rationalizing these CRAZY, RIDICULOUS ideas that I have to do something on my own or become someone BETTER before I can really turn the reigns over to God and let Him lead. 

For example, when every closet and drawer in my house is organized and labeled and my home is decorated "just right" and when every room is nice and clean and worthy of magazine pictures and house guests and when we can replace that horrible tile in our kitchen or even better yet...when we can just move right into that adorable grey dream house with the yellow front door...THEN I'll feel all put together and ready to focus on God's plan and we will live happily ever after.  God can't clean my closets or decorate my house so I just need to get all that done really fast and then I'll feel all put together and THEN I can really turn my focus to God's plan for our lives.  TODAY however, I have some closets to organize.

Or maybe when I finally get this whole healthy eating thing down and the menu plan is solid and the kids like vegetables and I am drinking less Diet Dr. Pepper and Nathan's cholesterol is lower and my thighs don't jiggle when I run and my refrigerator looks like the produce section at an organic grocery store...THEN God can always be first every day.  God isn't going to cook my meals so I need to get all that healthy mom stuff down first and I'll worry less about our health and THEN...

Or maybe when my business is booming and I've hit the magic number of stationery sales and my website is perfect and I can turnaround orders in 24 hours and all my customers love me and are super easy to deal with and no one sends mean emails and I feel like I've succeeded business wise....THEN I'll have more time and I can put more of my focus on God.  God isn't going to research new products or package orders or return emails so once PaperDoll Designs is running like a well oiled machine....THEN....

Or when I'm feeling super comfy with the numbers on our bank statement and those checks don't hurt as much to write and we can sign the kids up for all the extra curricular activities that they want and we can buy Nathan a new car and we can plan a vacation without stressing and saving and we can buy more of the things we WANT and we are living the life and keeping up with the Joneses...THEN I'll be ready.  Now that one hurt a little just to type out.  I don't want to admit that I ever feel that way.  But every once and a while, or a lot, I do.

Or when my kids activities are all lined up and we never have to be in two places at once and when I'm no longer feeling like a taxi driver and all the book reports are done and I've rsvp'd to 47 evites and everyone's shoes are the right size and all three kids are making straight As and I've sent in all the signed permission slips and box tops to school...THEN...I'll feel less stressed and can really focus on what God wants.  God can't drive the carpool so today I'm too busy being a taxi/mom to really stop and see what God has in store for me.

I am well aware that this a stupid way to think but somehow I'm rationalizing it and this is how I'm rolling most days lately.  I know that God CAN (and HAS) had His hand on all these areas of my life and He CAN change our bank account and transform my business and help me get my to do list obsession in perfect order BUT I continue to hold TIGHTLY on to the wheel on most days.  This is my truth today and I'm working on making my tomorrows different.  I'm praying that I can follow where He leads, but WOW it's hard to let someone else drive.  I know I will always be a dream big, list making, organizing, "I've got a plan" girl because that is the way God made me but I need to realize that my life doesn't have to be in perfect order for God to accept me and I do not have to be perfect for God to use me.  He accepts me with old ugly tile floors, a beat up truck in the driveway, unsigned permission slips and piles of paper everywhere...unchecked to do lists and all. 

This is where I am today.  Is anyone there with me? 

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